Inner Conflicts
by Marj
Summary: Artemis' thoughts about his charge and his duties before her reawakening (Episode 48) [One-shot].


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It has been quite a while since that final battle against the Dark Kingdom. Everything had grown quite peaceful until recently, which is still actually good, considering that Sailormoon is currently the only active Senshi, with the rest being out of commission. For how long, I'm not exactly sure . . .  
  
Actually, it still kind of surprises me that all of them are alive. I'm grateful to whatever force it was - Queen Serenity, or the ginzuishou, or a mysterious somebody - who gave Usagi, Minako, and the rest of the Senshi back to Luna and me. It's just that I'm wondering . . . what were Minako's thoughts the moment she first woke up after being given a second, perhaps third, chance in life. Other than thinking that she wouldn't be able to catch the school bus, of course.  
  
Luna and I often talked about that miracle before Usagi was reawakened. How both our charges went about their normal lives as if nothing had happened, both having completely forgotten the fact that they had never had cats before everything started. Nobody ever took notice of us and complained, "Hey, we don't have cats! What's this thing doing here?" Instead, they treated us as if we were their "pets", household cats whom they had owned for a long, long time. We had no idea what excuse had been inserted into their minds the moment they were reincarnated - all we knew was that we had a place to go home to, and nothing more.  
  
As both of us dwelled further on the subject, I began to wonder even more how the entity who had revived Minako had managed to make it seem as if she had never been Sailor V. If, according to Luna, we had indeed gone back a year, returning to the same fateful day she had first awakened Usagi (minus the Dark Kingdom's activities), then why was it that my charge couldn't remember her alternate identity, when in fact she had become a Senshi almost a year before Usagi?  
  
Who was I to complain, though? Wasn't this what I had always wanted? A chance to turn everything around for the better? An opportunity to erase my sins?  
  
Luna's actually quite lucky. She never really had any kind of guilt to feel and carry around. After all, even as Sailormoon or Princess Serenity, Usagi hasn't really suffered much. Or even if she did, she had plenty of friends to turn to. While as for Mina and me . . .  
  
Let's face it. Before I came, Minako's life was bliss. That is, aside from the fact that she had a grouchy mother and that her grades had been low from the very start. She was practically *surrounded* by attention. Her best friend Hikaru . . . people who looked up to her because of her athletic talents . . . people who admired her cheerful, optimistic behavior. Like her name suggested, she was indeed everyone's child of love - though her teachers and mother tended to believe otherwise.  
  
Then I arrived on the scene. Before long, my interference in her life had caused her so much suffering . . . She lost her friend, and she became lonely - avoided by everyone - just because I had committed her to a duty which left absolutely no room for her vibrant social life. She had no one with whom to share her fears, joys, and sorrows. No one but me, but a mere talking cat pales in comparison to a human friend.  
  
And because of me she almost died, alone, no one beside her. A broken, shattered heart followed. Because of that, she couldn't entrust herself to one man, always playing around instead of loving someone back, afraid of being hurt again.  
  
Because of me, her world came crashing down, and she became the opposite of what she once was.  
  
Since it had been my duty to awaken the Senshi leader inside her, I shouldn't regret what I did. Yet over time, as more and more difficulties rammed my charge head on, I began to see the error of my ways. The consequences of choosing my duty over her life.  
  
Yet, she never complained. She stood there, chin up, proud and seemingly so strong, when in truth she was secretly hurting inside. Minako never blamed me for causing all her troubles. Instead, she saw me as the only one who understood her. Sometimes I felt she couldn't understand herself.  
  
And I began to love her more.  
  
I was not absolutely sure just how strong this so-called "love" was. All I knew was that it transcended every meaning I knew of the word. And it wasn't the same love I have for Luna, either. It was a bond that was so deep, probably as deep or maybe even deeper than Luna's relationship with Usagi, that no one really understood our closeness anymore.  
  
It was from there that my conflict arose. I had attached myself to her so much that I was willing to do anything to help her turn back into what she had once been, even if that meant foregoing my own duty. But I couldn't bear to stay away from her side, to not observe her at every moment as had become my habit, just because she wasn't a Senshi anymore.  
  
How could I stand walking away from her, when I already couldn't stand not being able to respond to her every time she cuddled and talked to me, just so she wouldn't remember the past we had together?  
  
If that was so, how, then, could I decide if I was faced with making that decision?  
  
Luna and I had a discussion earlier about reawakening the other Senshi because she was absolutely sure that Usagi couldn't handle the enemy alone. I refused, of course, saying that they were happy with their normal lives, deliberately saying my charge's name instead of referring to her with the rest of the group. I said that partly because I needed more time to think about the matter myself. Luckily, Usagi agreed with me, however, while doing so she proved herself even more incapable of "protecting the world" as she would call it, making Luna even more desperate in her resolve to awaken the others.  
  
Minako went to an audition today in which she had been invited to participate. It was her lifelong dream - to become an idol, to be praised by many fans, to boost her constantly waning self-confidence. She wouldn't have had the time to do this if I had let Luna reawaken her past memories, so I did the right thing. Right?  
  
But sometimes I feel as if she knew she was being left out of something that she just couldn't place. I can still remember the expression on her face as she stared at the huge crater that had appeared the other day. She had seemed too serious, not bewildered or afraid like the people surrounding her had been. As if she knew she was directly involved with it somehow. Who was I to deny her of who she really was, of her destiny as a Sailor Senshi?  
  
But then again . . . who said that being beside me, investigating and fighting enemies, was her real fate?  
  
Who else should create the path she will walk but her? Who am I to judge who she should be? Who am I to choose her destiny?  
  
Kami-sama, I'm so confused . . .  
  
Would she forgive me if I commit the same sin, if I awaken her and let those painful memories return, just because there is an enemy that needs to be defeated? Because I couldn't do it myself and I needed someone to do it for me? Because once again I had chosen my duty over her life?  
  
Would she forgive me if I prioritize my selfish desire of wanting her back beside me, prioritize my happiness over hers?  
  
I think not . . . and I couldn't stand that.  
  
Is this the punishment I deserve for my crime? That my conscience be constantly ravaged by thoughts and images of what I have done and could once again do?  
  
Why? *Why?*  
  
"Artemis . . ."  
  
Now she's here . . . that soft voice has just announced her arrival. How were the auditions? Were you able to fulfill your dream? I want to ask . . . but I CAN'T ASK HER! "Meow."  
  
"It's all right . . ."  
  
Warmth . . . the feeling of being hugged, of being enveloped by gentle arms. Maybe . . . someday . . . I will be able to appreciate this act of love without thinking that I'm not worthy of it. Maybe . . .  
  
A small drop. Wetness. Water . . . tears?  
  
No!  
  
"I remember everything now . . ."  
  
A small sob, a tighter hug, a bittersweet smile.  
  
"I missed you so much . . ."  
  
Fate intervened. I need not make a decision.  
  
Then . . . perhaps . . . it was meant to be this way.  
  
"Minako . . ."  
  
I wanted to stop myself from talking, part of me wanting to halt the trembling in my voice caused by not talking to her for so long, the other part willing me to end my conversation with her quickly, wanting her to believe that she had just had a bad dream and that everything was going to be normal again. Yet . . .  
  
She said she missed me. I'm not strong enough to deny her . . . not strong enough to deny myself . . .  
  
"I'm sorry . . ."  
  
I'm so sorry . . .  
  
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Disclaimers: The characters of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon were created by Naoko Takeuchi-san, its copyright owned by Toei Animation, Kodansha, Nakayoshi, Sterling Animation Inc., and many other companies scattered throughout the world. Meaning, I cannot claim the characters as my own, and am mearly borrowing them. So please don't sue, as I don't earn anything from this other than the satisfaction of making a story. 


End file.
